2.

Forming Identity

The Limitations pt. 1

 I often wonder who I would be if I was never racialized. I don't wonder whiteness, I wonder what it would mean to have a race without meaning.

So much of who I am, regardless of how much I reject it, will come back to my racialized identity.

I am because I am and I defines I through my understanding of Xicanidad and Latinidad. All I know is rejection from the norm, and in that, I have formed who I believe I am. It is terrifying to think of who I would be without this. What kind of person would I be? What narrative would I have created if I could exist without the trauma of colonization and imperialism?

Yes, these are all rhetorical questions, I cannot imagine myself out of this context. It is possible that I could move to a country that has less historical baggage with Mexico, but in that moment I shift from being Xicana to American.  

However, I wonder if I love this identity of myself too much and thus will never be free from it. I will, because of my desire to be affirmed, always define myself through it. I will always give it meaning and it will always limit me.