Musings

Cynthia's 28th Birthday Gift List

It’s Gemini season, Mercury is in Reggaetón, and this spring has already sprung into summer heat.

This is the first year I am going to do something different for my birthday and I am going to celebrate in a way that feels right to me. I have made this gift list/guide because I love gifts and if you feel so inclined to get me gifts that is AWESOME!

Making this gift list gave me a lot of insight into what kind of activities I want to invest more in this summer. For me, the first half of 28 will hopefully be a lot of biking and hiking. I want to revamp my bike kit and customize my pure fix bike some more.

I also have a long list of books that I have been looking at and it’s pretty clear I want to deepen my musical hobbies as well.

Here are 22 our of the 28 things I have been eyeing for my 28th birthday.

  1. High-Rise Pocket Bike Short from Girlfriend Collective Size L in Plum and Black - $48

First of all, would I not look sick in these? Imagine, I am on my little sea foam green bike, you pull up next to me at a light, I glance over and wink before I take off and I leave you in the dust. The last thing you hear is the cumbia music bumping from my speaker and that is your last memory of me.

A lot of the items on my list are bike themed. I am trying to spruce up my biking this summer!

I currently have one pair of bike shorts and I love them, but I definitely need a few in rotation.

I also need to get some matching tops! So in general a gift card would be nice.

 

2. Baboon to the Moon Fannypack (3l) in Purple or Black. - $60

Again, this is for my biking as well as everyday use. Listen, as a Gemini sun and Virgo rising, not only do I need to be carrying a book and notepad on me, I also need o be carrying a small first aid kit because I must be prepared for all things. I have been eyeing Baboon to the Moon’s products for a couple years now and I wish I had gotten the special edition CDMX print!

 

3. Supacaz Prizmatik Tape in Prizmatik Pink - $45

Do I need to say more? Comfort grip the absorbs shock and eliminates my wrists getting sore from riding over pot holes?

And I get to look cool? Yes, this has been on my list for awhile. I am between this one and the hologram color which would be SO COOL!

If this doesn’t work, I also have been eyeing this bar tap from pure cycles (the same brand as my bike!).

 

4: Huldit U-Lock Holder - $28

As a Gemini, I hate committing. I value my freedom to change my mind (and my bike) at any moment. So this Huldit U-Lock Holder that velcros on and off is the perfect u-lock holder for me and any other person with commitment phobia.

 

I received this gift from Josh :)

5. HAIMIM Oil Slick Road Bike Pedals - $27

Of course I need oil slick bike pedals to match my beautiful oil slick water bottle cage on my sea foam green bike. Imagine, these with the tape? TO DIE FOR.

 

6. Topeak Pocket Rocket Mini Pump - $30

My bike tires have a Presta valve making them difficult to fill up on the road unless I have an adapter or have my own pump. I have been holding out to find one that is both great quality and compact so I can carry in my bike pack.

 

6. Nike SuperRep Cycle Indoor Cycling Shoes w/ Cleat Accessory in a 7.5 - $85 + $18

The apartment building I live in has a Peleton bike and membership and I want to stop falling off when I go and work out. It’s a simple as that. These are not only in one of my favorite color, they look SO comfortable. This is the cleat accessory, which BOOO tomato tomato, comes as a separate purchase.

 

7. REI Co-op Rainier Long line Rain Jacket Size M in Graystone - $120

My iconic blue fisherman raincoat is still working, but it is too stiff to wear while I am biking and it is starting to tear in parts of it. It is a vintage piece and I love it, but I think that it is only good for when I need to go on walks and not when I am out and about on the trail or biking.

This color is perfect!

 

8. REI Co-op Essential Rain Pants - Size L Petite - $60

Last year I got a bunch of outdoor gear and I was so pumped. I loved it all, but my body has since changed and I grew out of them. I didn’t realize how much I loved being able to go out when I actually had the gear to keep my dry, warm, and comfortable.

Also, imagine, me outdoors with my rain jacket and pants? Adorable.

 

This gift was sent to me by my dear friend and future rock star RN, Margaret! <3

9. All In Motion 24oz Vacuum Insulated Stainless Steel Water Bottle - $20

I own this water bottle but like a true Gemini, I need one for my bike and one for my work bag. Because sporty mode me and business mode me deserve to stay hydrated.

Also, did you know that we tend to not be super hydrated because we don’t consume enough electrolytes? I tried these out and they just make your drink super fruity but they are pretty solid when you’re traveling or hiking!

 

10. UO Daily Pill Case - $10

Mental illness but make it fashion, you know?

 

My dad ordered this jacket for me. And I actually went with another color!

11. Cotopaxi Teca Calido Hooded Jacket Size M in Flower Crown - $150

Ok, get this, this jacket is reversible. If I want I can wear it with these big blocked colors and match with my new water bottle. Or I can flip it and it’s a beautiful cargo green color.

Either way, I will be turning heads on the trail.

 

12. Blackwing x Grovemade Desktop Caddy Kit - $120

These pencils are my number one favorite pencil. I love the design and the craftmanship that goes into making this beautiful writing device.

When this collaboration dropped, I freaked. Look at this desk caddy!

It’s BEAUTIFUL!

 
 

18. Cuisinart Easypop Hot Air Popcorn Maker - $40

Name a better snack. Like, please, I want to know.

I love popcorn and don’t like microwave popcorn. Why? Because I don’t like the texture of it unless it is the bagged popcorn.

I personally love the little metal popcorn popper for the stove where you turn it a lot but that’s too messy and takes too long.

 

19. Fender Houndstooth Guitar Strap - White - $23

When I first got my electric guitar, I got a cheap guitar strap. It’s been over a year and I want to replace it so that way I can shred in my apartment without the fear of dropping my guitar.

 

20. P-Touch Label Maker Tape (12mm) - $25

I am a Gemini sun and Virgo rising. I love having my things in ORDER. I love labeling things so I know what it is and I got a fancy label maker from sam’s club one year and it lives in the right drawer of my desk. I ran out of the thinner label tape so I have had to use this thicker tape that has sucked the life out of labeling things in my life.

 

I got this gift from my sweet friend, Rachel! My fellow reflective Cancer moon buddy … so thankful for our friend ship!

21. Intro Gua Sha Tool - Rose Quartz - $39

One thing that has been helpful for my terrible allergies has been facial massages. I learned about Gua Sha a few years ago and I do face massages with my hands, but I have been dreaming about getting my hands on an actual tool!

 

22. Fender Original Series Coil Guitar Cable, 30 ft - $45

My electric guitar is surf green and so I hope that this color doesn’t look too goofy with it, but it is one of my FAVORITE COLORS! I need a high quality cable cause the one I have works good, but I want to shred.

10.

Update on Blog Post #3

It was a dry and hot Tuesday evening when I walked into Sea Wolf Tattoo shop on east 35th and Cedar. I held a piece of scrap paper up with my smudged tattoo idea and said, “I want this done today, can you do it?” The image was of a misshapen sliced avocado; one half held the seed. The other half, hollowed, was hiding behind the piece with the pit in it. The artist looked at me, my drawing, his schedule, then back to me, and said, “Sure. I have an hour.”


He spent most of the time stabbing my arm in silence. He didn’t ask me why or what the avocado meant, and there, lying face down on a sticky black leather cot, I wasn’t sure I knew either. Picking a tattoo parlor that specialized in American Classic designs was an ironic layer that became integral to the avocado's story. I knew somehow the thick lines generally reserved for American sailors were important, but that was as far as meaning went that day. Now, those lines were also mine. It made me feel punk, cool, maybe even a bit subversive.


I am not obsessed with avocado toast, but my college roommates knew when I was awake when they found half an avocado on our dining table. To this day, the best Christmas gift I have gotten was a six-month subscription to the Avocado of the Month Club. Yet, those were not on my mind that day. The image came to me and needed to be permanent on my body. When he wrapped my bloody arm, he made a snide remark about how tattoos were now so mainstream. I tipped him anyway.


In public so many people want to know me, know who I am, where I am from, and why my hair and eyes are so brown. I think about the person on the train who tried to bum a cigarette off me before my stop, how when I told him I didn’t smoke asked why. And when I said I didn’t like the taste then said to me, “Are you Hispanic?” This non sequitur was not new. It was the same hushed whisper asking me if I have “papers.” The elbow jab at a party serving walking tacos. People assuming so much about me before allowing me to speak. The train jolted to a stop, and all I could say was “I don’t...I don’t know.”


In the mirror I turn my full nose, examine my large brown eyes, and the different lines of my face, finding traces of more questions of the game people play. “Arab? Indian? Italian? Greek? Wait, are you Latina? Mexican? Oh. I knew it.” I never get too comfortable with looking the part of Mexican, because as soon as I do, someone reminds me how their Korean friend and I could be twins. Or the international student I meet at a women's networking event mistakes me for being white. I am more familiar with the sensation of my skin peeling, a thing to be discarded. My body always drifting between seen and unseen, my body another thing I do not own.


My parents are from two small pueblos in Zacatecas, Mexico, one of the first states colonized by the Spanish. When you look at a map of languages spoken in Mexico, the number of indigenous speakers is so small in Zacatecas they don't add up to enough. Ironically the state is named after the indigenous word zacate meaning grass. My last names are further evidence of those who came and destroyed: Acosta, Reyes, Marquez, Luis, Zapata. Though I am proud of the ones given to me, I have learned to question their merit. My parents don’t remember, and my grandparents are starting to forget anyone who came before them. I carry the ghost of my ancestors on my face; I will never know who they are.
There is a language I can only dream in. A language buried underneath my complexion. My tongue feels fat and foreign in my mouth, always saying the wrong thing a little too loud. A tongue baptized in Spanish, then colonized in English. Yet, I will never know the first language.


Laughing, I say “testicles.” Yes, aguacate means testicles, it is one of the few Nahuatl words, like zacate, to have survived the hunger of the Spanish mouth. Though it could be certain I am not of Aztec lineage, given the diverse and expansive indigenous nations of Mexico, it is also certain that it isn’t certain. Aguacate is me reaching and attempting to stitch the distance of a land and language that never felt quite home.
I slice an avocado, holding it in the cup of my hand, turning it over and examining the black ink skin of it. With a knife, I slice and scoop the flesh into a blue plate. The green fades from dark to light yellow in the center, and I devour something unknown and delicious.

9.

Predictive Text/Abecedaries in Reverse or I am a Queer Mexican Bot

Zapata is a good dancer and I love it 

You got this message from last night 

Xenophobia is a national park 

What the heck is it for 

Virgo dicen que no me puedo quedar en casa de mi mamá 

Ugh this is why I am not a fan of the internet 

Tell me about the time you wanted me and I will let you know what I am doing today and I will let you know when I get back to you I will be there soon 

Shelf life of the living world is a little more than what I am 

Right after you go out to the park to get the kids and then you have to go to the Verizon store 

Question for you guys I am so sorry for the delay in my prayers 

People are always a good dancer

Oh no I am still interested in you 

No se como voy a quedar con el virus

Maybe I can get a little bit of sleep lol 

lol I love you so much 

Kids are the ultimate comrades 

Just got a call from the doctor and I am still working on my bill

It is also nice to know if you can see the new place and where I live in Minneapolis 

How are you feeling now you know I miss you too much

Great game and fun to play with you and your family is awesome 

For example, I think it’s a little bit more expensive than the other one day I think I could have it 

Everything is ok and the only thing I can do is make it work 

Do you want me to bring you a coffee or something 

Can you send me a picture

Because I am still working on my bill and I am still working on my bill and I am still working on my bill 

And I want to do a little bit more than I thought it would be fun

ANTI-RACIST MENTAL HEALTH: Parentification

I was around the age of 18, almost 19, when I noticed an internal shift happening. One morning, in an old cabin near a lake, I woke up and was praying when I felt like someone had come in and left something like a weighted blanket over my shoulders. I was sitting on the edge of a rickety bunk bed I shared with a friend from college, and I looked out the door toward Lake Carlos. In my chest, I felt this burden that my life would never be mine, and I thought this was a calling, but it was depression. 

It has been almost two and a half years since I decided I was too young to feel so miserable (at any age, you are still too young to feel that miserable). The intensity of my depression has changed instead of weathering weeks of storms like before, now it is several days or weeks where I can't see past a fog. What's scarier about this depression is that I have normalized it to the point where I don't notice it's happening until there are fruit flies in my sink or moldy food in my fridge. It's not until I realize I have nothing clean to wear or that I should probably clean my bathtub. 

In all honesty, my self-care habits have been difficult to keep up, and when my accountability to myself is weakened, so is my responsibility to other people and projects. 

Here are some realizations I have been having:

  • I am overthinking instead of feeling. It is much easier for me to think about what is going on instead of feeling my emotions. By focusing on staying in the technical and "rational" side of my brain, I am tricking myself into thinking I am dealing with my feelings. Instead, I keep my emotions far enough back and confusing, worrying as processing my feelings. 

  • Everything in my life is currently in this critical and analytic space. I talked with a friend on Monday, and I noticed all the books on my shelf were theory or history: "An African American and Latinx History of the United States," "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma," "Zapata and the Mexican Revolution," "In-Between: Latina Feminist Phenomenology, Multiplicity, and the Self," "The Creative Interventions Toolkit," "Fumbling Towards Repair: A Workbook for Community Accountability Facilitators." There is nothing wrong with these books, and I recommend them, but this leads me to my next point.

  • The part of me that is in charge of my life right now is my parentified inner-child

Parentification, which is similar to but different from adultification, is the process of role reversal. A parent, either intentionally or unintentionally, expects emotional support and or gives developmentally inappropriate responsibilities to their children. Adultification has a racial component and has been researched by the Georgetown Center of Law Center on Poverty and Inequality, specifically on the impacts this has on Black girls and their childhood. 

Parentification and adultification are remnants of colonization and imperialism in which children are subdued and forced into roles to uphold childism and adultism. It is the eradication of childhood joy and the destruction of self-autonomy to control a population and future generations. 

I do not have the energy to link resources at this moment, but this is an area of study I am interested in as it ties directly into the social ills we see in society today.

Antifascists, anticonquest, and other far-left decentralized groups advocating for liberation and freedom are often groups where I find little nuance or acceptance around children and youth. 

I am not the first to say this, but if you have never thought about this before, consider that it is impossible to embody freedom and liberation if you hate children because you still have your inner child within you. Part of being a better comrade is taking the time to reconnect, get to know, and love that inner child. 

It is within childhood that we are first marginalized and oppressed. If not to the extent of parentification and adultification, we may still face childism/adultism. Or the belief that children should be seen and not heard. Objects to please rather than human beings to be understood and protected. It is within our own families or caretaking spaces that we are taught to deny our needs and desires to comfort and accommodate the needs and desires of adults. When adults are questioned on this force of authority, their response is simple: "I am older than you." This is our first internalized oppression, and I am guilty of using this excuse to get my siblings or youth I have worked with to listen to me. 

Here is a graphic I found while looking up parentification and some of the behaviors a child who has been parentified will show:

9780761907640-p60-1.jpg

If we are taught early on that our purpose is to please others' needs, when others act out their agency, it will be in direct conflict with our understanding of the world. We are celebrated when we deny our needs and emotions as children. I was always complimented for how well I took care of my siblings and for being so responsible. I was rewarded for not being fussy. But in this process, I was alienated from my inner-child. 

There are days where I don't know who she is or what she wants. Instead, I live through weeks of fog, trying to understand why I am sad and unable to find joy. A few weeks ago, in therapy, my therapist asked me what I liked to do for fun. I stared at him as I tried to figure out what truly brought me joy and allowed me to restore and connect with myself. 

I have internalized my oppression so profoundly that I cannot look back into my childhood and see a time when I knew how to play. I know how to "care" for myself, but playing and having fun are things so abstract and foreign to me that attempting to engage in them causes me to spiral. After so many years, this neglect of my inner-child has made me incredibly sick. Not only impacting my mental illness, but also my physical health and well being. 

It is a radical act of defiance to allow my inner child to sob wildly. To let her feel her emotions loudly and without telling her, things could be worse. It is a radical act of defiance when I allow myself to daydream and imagine worlds I deserve to live in. It is a revolutionary act of resistance when I spend time writing and reading poetry and staring at the sunset. 

When I make myself a crunchy peanut butter and jelly sandwich. When I let myself rest. When I hear her tell me, she feels unheard, and I affirm her. Every time I turn to her, I become a better me for tomorrow, and I need this because to love my inner child is to embody liberation and continue on this road to freedom. 

I can continue denying her or I can turn to her and give her the love and affirmation she so desperately needed. 

8.

Instagram has recently taken on a new challenge with the hashtag #womenempoweringwomen.

Like many challenges and hashtags to raise awareness, this one was co-opted and removed from its original meaning. From what I can gather and what I read, it is tied to the femicide of Turkish women. There have been conflicting posts, and if I find a source, I will update this blog post with that link.

Do not misunderstand what I am going to say next. I am not saying that challenges like this shouldn’t exist. Instead, what I am saying is I feel critical about the word empowerment and, in my opinion, would like to do away with it in conversations around liberation.

Empowerment denotes the need for permission by someone else to act or move differently. It is about being granted the authority to enact power. I’ve looked at this word often, and even in my searches to find a new word, still find synonyms like permit, allow, warrant, or authorize. The google definition has an example of making someone stronger and more confident.

I see the term empowerment serving the ruling class. By which I mean, those who have access and privilege feel that their job is to empower others. However, when someone experiences an injustice, I believe the most important thing is to remove oneself from the situation as not to impede their agency. It is not my job to tell someone how they should act, instead, it is my job to be in solidarity with the choices this person makes And by solidarity, I mean to examine the ways the system has privileged me and understand that this person’s solution will require me to be uncomfortable in that.

Empowerment to me is synonymous with being in the way of someone actualizing their power because it is about creating a binary of people who have power and do not.

What has happened to me is that I was made to believe I did not have power. That my power must look a certain way or come from a specific place, and thus, empowerment will always lead me to look toward the very systems and structures that marginalize me to validate me.

As I read today on Marata Rose’s Instagram account, @neuromergent_insurgent, my identities are not afflictions. I am not disempowered, I have been gaslit and abused by these systems to believe I should shrink my power to belong.

Belonging is political. When we are harmed, we will do anything, including betray ourselves and our needs to belong. I do not fault anyone for this. I am still learning how to no longer betray myself. However, we cannot wait for permission or authority to claim what has always been ours. I was made to believe I was unworthy, but this has always been a lie to keep me from realizing my potential. It’s a useful tool of the oppressor.

No one can give me power, because I have that within me. It is an innate part of my human experience. I do not need permission for what I already know is mine. Instead, I need the conditions around me to change. I need people who are willing to relinquish the ways they are comfortable in this current world. I need people to get out of my way. I am not someone who needs saving.

When I heal and love myself, I actualize my power. When I recognize I have nothing to fear but everything to gain, I see the entirety of my power.

I validate and honor myself because no one has control over who I am. If we didn’t already have this power within us, why would people try to beat us down? No hero is perfect, but Cesar Chavez’s quote resonates with me; “you cannot oppress the people who are no longer afraid.”

I don’t need your permission. I need you to get out of the way.

ANTI-RACIST MENTAL HEALTH: Introduction

First, I am not a doctor nor a therapist. I am a person of color, have a degree in English and Race & Ethnic studies, am working on a Masters where my studies focus on equity and creative writing, work in gender and racial equity, and am healing my mental illnesses through therapy. Everything I have learned I have pieced together from books, articles, conversations, etc. This series is more about my journey and reflections than they are ultimate truths. There is no single truth, there are truths, and this is mine. Take what you want here, encourage me and others to grow, take charge of your own mind. I also want to say that even if you have not been diagnosed with a mental illness, everyone has mental health.

For some context, I started unlearning a lot of my internalized racism, sexism, homophobia, etc., about 8 years ago when I was in college (shout out to the incredible teachers of the St. Olaf Race & Ethnic studies department.) A part of me always sensed there was something immensely wrong with the structure of society, but I viewed it more as an individual-to-individual issue and not a systemic problem. I believed that things were rigged, but everyone had the potential to recreate a new life. I bought into the "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" ideology that a lot of BIPOC and POC individuals are programmed to believe in. 

As far as my experience in therapy goes, I was diagnosed with ADHD in January of 2018, then GAD (anxiety), depression, and PTSD in February of that year. Much like anti-racist work, mental health and healing is a life long journey. When I started therapy, I was sensitive, angry, depleted, exhausted, frustrated, emotionally constipated. You get the picture. I was in a painful place spiritually, physically, and emotionally and in a lot of ways, this was killing my body slowly. 

A lot of my Creative Writing and Publishing Master's work has been studying and examining the nexus between anti-racism, mental health, creative writing, and liberation. 

Here are some, but not all, of the ideas that influence my framework:

  1. We are not born with shame, we are taught to be ashamed, and every human being shares the same core desire to feel loved, connected, and cared for.

  2. When human beings communicate in any form, they are externalizing their hopes, desires, and expressing the world they want to live in (and sometimes these are downright harmful, i.e., racists). This means that any form of communication, especially written, is political.

  3. There are stories, and there are narratives, and both create programming in individuals. When we don't heal from these internalized stories and narratives, they become highways of neurology in our brains which keep us stuck 

  4. Mental illnesses are a natural coping mechanism of our bodies to protect us. They occur when we experience traumatic events, and also when we are not taught to process our emotions or feelings.

  5. Human brains have neuroplasticity, meaning we have the power to rewire our brains to heal from programming and therefore heal our mental illnesses. We can actually rewrite the world we deserve. 

How does this relate to anti-racism work? When you take charge of your mental health you can....sustain your work in the broader movement, process your own guilt and shame without demanding emotional labor from Black people, have better conversations with the people in your life, not martyr yourself for the movement, heal trauma for generations to come, learn to write into existence the world you deserve, and liberate yourself....Just to name a few.

I'll dive into some of these ideas in later posts, and I welcome a conversation with you. This has been a series I wanted to start writing in the Fall of 2019, but haven't gotten around to it. There is no time like now.